My Son's Birthday

Glory be, unto the highest...

My children. As you can expect, it's been busy up here in Heaven. All of the Kingdom of God (that's Me) is preparing for the birthday of Jesus (My son). You'd think something like this would be easy for the Almighty.

I could simply say: Thy will be done. And everything would take care of thyself.

Not so.

Firstly, we've had problems finding someone whom would emcee the gala event. Jesus said that Richard Pryor was newly available, but I've been in negotiations with Lucifer to determine where his place is.

Lu claims that since Dick Pryor tried to commit suicide and ravaged himself with drug use that he rightly belongs with his burning minions in Hades. I, being of more sound mind and of a gentle rule, do not agree with him. So, right now, Mr. Pryor is in the 'waiting room' or Purgatory (as some of thee call it) until this gets sorted out.

As for some of the other events, Moses has insisted that we have karaoke for the party. While I know that most would think this to be entertainment unto the highest, I've seen what happens when you give saints, apostles, and other 'holy' people the microphone.

There's pushing, there's shoving, and more than once I saw Princess Di gyrate and act wholly inappropriate whilst 'rocking the mic.'

I would like to sing a Barry Manilow song Myself, but I shall decide later how the party shall go down.

As for food, I thought it would be nostalgic to dine upon fishes and loaves, but I've received nothing short of the 'stink eye' from Jesus and Mary. They want a meal worthy of the heavens, when I know that most would appreciate foods of the older times.

Before thou shalt ask: Yes, we like to eat food here in Heaven. Would you deny us all of your earthly pleasures?

So, this is my round-about way of apologizing for My lengthy absence. Thou art stalwart in continuing to read God's Blog and leave Me ashamed that I haven't been able to provide structure and guidance in My words as of late.

I haven't forgotten about the Kirk Cameron website.
I haven't forgotten about the God FAQ.
I haven't forgotten how much I love thee.

Whilst I must be off to finalize this party, rest assurred I shalt return sooner than later and impart unto all of thee tales of Jesus's party and all of the other things I have promised.

May the spirit of Christmas jingle like so many angels carrying a bunch of bells in a basket so that your ear may hear it and remind you of the holiday time set forth every year...

Or something like that.

Be good.

- God

E-mail Alert!

Glory be, My followers.

God's Blog has experienced some technical difficulties and thus has had to change thy e-mail. Please note that all correspondence can be sent to: godalmightymail@yahoo.com.

If you have sent an e-mail unto Me, rest assurred that it has been recovered and shalt be answered in due course. As the Almighty, I have been extremely busy what with Jesus's (My son's) birthday coming up and all of the other craziness happening in My beloved kingdom.

Side note: Mr. Miyagi says 'hello' to you all, by the way. I tried the old 'wax-on, wax-off' routine and he didn't think it was funny.

Anticipate a new update very soon, My children. I hope to tackle some of the comments, e-mails, and that 'interesting' website Kirk Cameron has put forth unto the world. Visit it here and let Me know what you think.

May the magic feelings of the season season you with magic feelings...this season.

Or something like that.

Be good.

- God

Melissa Poses Some Questions

Let the spirit of love and happiness fill you all, My children. For once again, I stand amongst thee.

A reader of God's Blog sent Me an e-mail (bigoldgod@yahoo.com) and had some questions and concerns about an occurance that happened to an unfortunate pastor during what some consider to be a sacred ceremony some time back.

While I've never been one to paraphrase, I shall reproduce thine e-mail for you to read before I tackle the posed queries.

Let us read:

Dear God,
Hi again. We spoke previously when I had a few questions regarding an NPR broadcast I heard. Well, leave it to me once again to converse with you only when I have a question. I do apologize for that.

There was an article posted on a blog I read that seemed to have sparked quite a bit of controversy among the blog's readers. The article (I have included a link at the bottom) was about the death of a pastor who was electrocuted during a baptism in his church. He was submerged to the waist in water and reached out to adjust a microphone, upon which he received a shock and subsequently died.

The blogger found the circumstances of this unfortunate death to be ironic (a man of God, doing God's work, struck down in a house of God) and thus, humorous. Some readers agreed with him while many others did not. Their deluge of comments lead me to these questions:

Is it ever permissable to find humor in the circumstances of another person's death? Or is there simply a universal "sacredness of life" that doesn't make any death funny at all?

Where you, as some people suggested, not listening or paying attention to this man? And would/should you have intervened to save the life of one of your own?

Should the Bible have contained explicit warnings about the dangers of mixing water and electricity so as to have averted this tragedy?

Thanks for listening. Any answers you feel like sharing would be appreciated.
Melissa

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/10/31/national/main995829.shtml

Interesting queries, Melissa. Firstly, I'd like to talk about baptism a bit before I dig into the issue. I know that there is a long-standing tradition amongst My people where they believe that only by watering the heads of those who choose to believe will the meet Me and Jesus (My son) in the Kingdom of Heaven. It was written in the bible and 'taken as gospel' for so long, I cannot even remember how long this odd ceremony has taken place.

Honestly. You know Me well enough to know that I do not treat Heaven as an 'exclusive club' where only the ones who are baptized can come in. This isn't some secret society where you need to know the secret handshake or perform all sorts of crack-pot rituals to gain entrance. My rule, as always shall be and shalt ever remain:

Be a decent person.

Now, while I didn't choose to make an example of the unfortunate pastor, I do feel that My message (as with most of them) was lost on everyone who read it. He made a mistake, forgot the laws of electricity and water and sadly I didn't feel it My place to perform divine intervention.

Besides, I'm not really fond of the marketing and 'special club' feel of baptism. The way that Pastor Kyle Lake performed it was just a bit over the top.

Did I kill him in spite? No. Kyle killed himself with his reckless baptism methods.

Now, to answer the questions Melissa has set forth upon Me. Let Me be heard.

1. While I feel that all life is sacred, I don't feel that finding humor in another's demise makes you less-than-human yourself. Laughter, as you may know, is the human way of dealing with uncomfortable situations. Think about it. Most of the jokes you laugh at (especially Polish jokes) are the result of you experiencing discomfort. While some react in horror to life's daily atrocities, others find solace in laughter.

2. It wasn't that I wasn't paying attention, but I didn't feel his life was worth saving more than say the child struck by a car in Europe, the old woman who passed away in her sleep in Peru, or the clown who had a heart attack when his balloon sculpturing exploded in his face. While I don't think any more of less of Kyle, his history as a pastor didn't put him on the 'preferred save list' before anyone else. All My creatures are created equal. That's all across the board, My children.

3. The bible isn't any more useful in this situation than a simple science textbook, in My more-than-humble opinion. While I appreciate the humor in your question, I don't think the bible is the answer to everything as many of My followers believe it to be. Watch the Discovery channel or a Mr. Wizard re-run. That shalt set you straight.

Well, I hope this answers thy questions, Melissa. I welcome any of thee to pose question to the Almighty (that's Me) in either the comments or in e-mail. I shalt respond as quickly as I can. After all, I've got all of creation to maintain.

May the power of my beard tickle your face and remind you of My everlasting love.

Or something like that.

God out.

God On Halloween: I Don't Give A Rip

Glory be, My followers. Glory unto the highest.

I've had plenty of thee sound off about whether Moses should get a nice new set of commandments unto him. To be honest, the matter is still up for debate. Who knows? (besides Me) This might be a nice Christmas gift for him to enjoy. St. Peter and I both are betting he'll break them both before we even see the New Year.

Keep that under thy hat.

Speaking holidays, I've had some of My people ask about my stance on Halloween. Some people view it as a Satanic holiday and that it's un-Christian or unholy to celebrate this date. Unto thee who befit it to frown down upon those who dress in celebratory garb and walk the neighborhood with your children, I say:

Lighten up.

They're costumes, My people. Nothing less, nothing more. Their celebration of this holiday is merely to make light of the inevitable: All of you are going to die.

There is nothing wrong with a day to celebrate the dead. There, I have said it.

Does this make your God (that's Me) a heathen? Then so be it. I am SICK AND TIRED of having people speak on My behalf. Taking away a fun opportunity for children (young and old) to dress up as a pirate or a Power Ranger harms no one. It does not show an allegiance with Satan.


It irked my son to now end when some schools and places of business stopped mentioning the forbidden words 'Christmas' and 'Hannukah.' Is there some shame in celebrating occasions? Why art thou offended by these types of dates?

I give all of thee free will, but thou art tending to bland down the occasions which others were looking forward to. Keep it up and eventually every holiday will be just as bland as any other day.

As for Halloween? I don't give a rip. You're not losing points with Me by enjoying the night, dressed as a zombie or otherwise.

Besides, how else will you receive unto thee free and delicious treats?

I have spoken.

May the treats of a thousand saints find their way into the trick or treat bag of your mind.

Or something like that.

God out.

That Moses! What A Card.

Glory be unto the highest.

I had an interesting conversation with Moses over MSN Messenger the other night. The following is a transcript of messages we sent forth to one another.

Ho-Lee-Moses: Are you there, G? It's me, Moses.
Almighty_G1205: Ha ha. V funny.
Ho-Lee-Moses: I've been thinking about the commandments.
Almighty_G1205: What of them, M?
Ho-Lee-Moses: I think I may have overreacted a bit back then. You know, firing them down unto the people they were crafted for.
Almighty_G1205: Well, you saw them give worship unto a gold cow or something, wasn't it?
Ho-Lee-Moses: Yeah. I left out some of the bad stuff, but it was a bad scene.
Almighty_G1205: ????
Ho-Lee-Moses: Unspeakable horrors, my Lord. I'd rather not go into detail.
Almighty_G1205: Well, it's in the past, My son.
Ho-Lee-Moses: Still...I sure miss having those stone tablets.
Almighty_G1205: Why do I sense I know where this conversation is going?
Ho-Lee-Moses: Probably because you're the Almighty.
Almighty_G1205: Oh, right. You want another set of tablets, don't you? Is that it?
Ho-Lee-Moses: Well, it would be nice. You know, it sort of completes the outfit.
Almighty_G1205: I don't know. Everytime I give you something, you manage to bungle it up?
Ho-Lee-Moses: What???
Almighty_G1205: That time you got hungry at the party and struck the wall with your staff. Wine poured out and bread fell from thine ceiling.
Ho-Lee-Moses: Well, c'mon. I'd had a few that night. Who wouldn't?
Almighty_G1205: ....
Ho-Lee-Moses: What else?
Almighty_G1205: There was that instance where you parted St. John's bowl of soup like you did the Red Sea because he claimed he'd lost a cracker in there.
Ho-Lee-Moses: Merely helping a friend.
Almighty_G1205: The point is, I'm afraid you'll get your robes in a bundle and break any new tablets I give unto thee.
Ho-Lee-Moses: I won't. I swear on my beard I won't.
Almighty_G1205: Let me think on it.
Ho-Lee-Moses: Well, could I make a request,then?
Almighty_G1205: Speak, My son and I shall answer.
Ho-Lee-Moses: Could you actually give me the original 15 commandments? People are dying to know what the other five I broke on my way down from the mountain were.
Almighty_G1205: Don't push it, Mo.
Ho-Lee-Moses: Okay.

So, I've got something to consider. Should I bequeath a new set of Commandments unto Moses? I know that the original 10 are vastly outdated and as many have observed, could be combined into about 2.

If you really think unto it, only 2 of the Commandments are laws. The rest? Well, they seemed like a good idea at the time.

May the songs of Heaven enchant your ears and make thy feet dance upon the holiest of floors.

Or something like that.

God out.

No One Said Being The Almighty Father Was Easy

Peace, My people. Let there be peace.

I had an argument with Jesus (My son) the other day. I'm sure that he wouldn't want me to talk about this in such an open forum, but thy will be done.

As many of thine readers know, Jesus Christ has said time and again that he had no plans to come back to earth. I know that the bible (that crock) and many, many self-important spiritual leaders deem it so, but after his run in with Pontius Pilate, Jesus said:

"I ain't doin' that @#%! again."

Well, he almost changed his mind the other day.

You see, he's been keeping tabs on those who have been speaking on his behalf: healers, preachers, televangelists, the works. Jesus has been watching these programs non-stop (and smoking non-stop, I should add) and getting angrier and angrier.

"How DARE they?" I could hear him bellow while the fellows and I watched 'Jailbreak' on Fox in the other room. Shortly afterwards, I could hear him pound his fist down on the end table.

"Here we go," said St. Mark, who pretended he was drinking from a bottle of booze. While he loves Christ Jesus with all of his heart, he knows that My son enjoys the occasional drink. This isn't to say he imbibes in the spirits in excess, but sometimes he tends to go off the deep end.

Since I am his Father, I went to him.

"What troubles you, Son," asked I.

"Who do they think they are? Invoking false powers upon our people?" His eyes narrowed and his beard twitched in agitation. I could see that there was foam from a Fosters near his angry lips.

"Peace, My son. Let them be. You know how we deal with false prophets," I tried to soothe his anger, but it appeared unto Me that he wasn't listening.

"I've got half a mind to come down there and invoke my holy retribution! I think it's time for me to get my bearded !@# down there and kick the ever-loving @!%^ out of those liars!!!"

Jesus (My son) stood up, fired a sandalled foot into the TV, silencing it for all time. He grabbed a ruck-sack and began to pack robes, rope (he uses one for a belt), and extra sandals. I think he also put his MP3 player in there, too.

"Do not do this, My son," I warned. "You have let your anger get the best of you. Calm thyself. Do not leave this place in anger. Thy false one shalt be judged like any other and will truly know the hurt they hath caused upon My people."

"Fine," Jesus said. He threw his sack down onto the floor and reached for his pack of smokes. "You never let me do anything, anyway."

I left him to sulk and smoke.

Kids!

So, it was a close call. While I know many of you would like to see Jesus again, I can assure you: you don't want to see him when he's angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry.

May three doves of harmony come to nest in the brambles of your heart.

Or something like that.

God out.

Playing Catch Up

Sing, My people. Sing to the heavens so that I may hear you clearly! Ah, that sweet, sweet sound!

Tis' I, you know...God. As you can probably imagine, I've had My holy hands full. The earth is becoming more and more difficult to maintain. When things slip, they can slip in the most awful of ways. While that ridiculous book the bible claims I am everywhere and everything, that's only a half-truth. More on that later.

For now, I want to play catch-up. You've had questions in both the commments and in e-mail. I would like the opportunity to answer thy queries.

Firstly - As much as I would like to visit each and every blog you maintain, I'm having a hard enough time coming back to this blog to spread the Holiest of Words amongst thee. Please, take not offense if I'm not there instantly. Rest assured that I read each and every comment (and e-mail) and send forth blessings to you.

Now, onto the questions:

barbieluvsu8181 asked me some time ago to spite the spammers who plague our beautiful blogs. To these spammers, I say unto them: SPAMMERS! I SPITE THEE! OUT! GET THEE OUT!!! I really hope that shall send them packing. In the meantime, I may implement the word-verification feature.

The ever-charming Jennifer W.K. asks if I prefer traditional Latin or the plain English. Since I don't know how many of thee can readeth Latin, I would say keep your comments in the English vernacular. While I don't mind either, I think it would behoove the readers of God's Blog (the holiest of blogs) if it was in a language they too could understand. Stay gold, Jennifer. Stay gold forever.

My old nemesis Lucifer wondered if I could change the 10 commandments into just one. His suggestions was:

Thou shall use judgement against thy's actions, and be accountable for the consequences.

Admittedly, this isn't bad. But, if you've been reading My blog for a while, you'll know that the 10 Commandments is another piece of folklore created by those who wish to control you in My name. Again, My only wish for My people is this: Treat others how you want to be treated.

It's a simple concept, but hard for many to grasp. But he's right. They are running out of room in Hell. Goodness me.

calbethekiln asked why I speaketh in the olde style in 'thees' and 'thous' every so often. My only answer is this: When you've been around since the beginning of time, you tend to keep a bit of your accent. It's as hard to lose as a Midwestern accent, however not nearly as awful as thy followers in Boston. I mean, really. What is the deal with those people? Even I'm at a loss, there.

Also, he wanted to know (along with xo~IndyGirl~xo ) what the story was behind the platypus.

I happen to like them.


The Platypus:
Official Animal Mascot of God's Blog.

Petrow promised to send Me some more horrible church signs where people are speaking in My name. I'm still waiting, My son.

Orfeo, you're welcome for the weather I bestowed upon thee in Canberra 8.28.2005. I thought you would like that, My friend.

Dr. Convolution wonders what I think of promiscuous sex. Simple. I didn't give thee parts of pleasure only to let them dry up. However, if you wonder again how should you act, please refer to my ONE COMMANDMENT: Treat others how you want to be treated.

If your actions will cause harm to befall another, desist. Thy solution is simple.

And perhaps the toughest request of all comes from Ginger, who simply asks me to talk a bit about Hurricane Katrina. It isn't easy to talk about, but I shalt do My best.

The horrors that have happened in the southern United States are not things I am proud of. While in the long run great good can come from bad happenings, I can't expect anyone to understand My ultimate plan. It's not the type of thing I can dismiss with: 'Well, I was asleep at the wheel...sorry, folks.'

I know tragedies of this magnitude can cause many (affected or otherwise) to turn their backs to Me and wonder what sort of God would let something like this happen. That is entirely up to you. Remember that I do know what I'm doing and while suffering isn't something to take lightly, ultimately good will come of all of this.

You can see it happening already. You can see people who normally wouldn't think twice about helping a stranger extend his/her hand in friendship. Atrocities of this magnitude bring out the good in people and along with the hard times, great change comes forth. Change that was sorely needed amongst you, My people. It's terrible that something that causes so much hurt must bring it about, but in the long run, you'll see. All of this has been for the greater good.

I promise, thee.

That's all I have time for tonight, My people. Please remember that you can always come here for My inspirational word. Ask what you will of Me in the comments or if you prefer a more private conference with Me, e-mail God @ bigoldgod@yahoo.com

May the rains of heaven drench thee in My holy love.

Or something like that.

God out.